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The following are excerpts from a satire called "The Land Speaks Arabic", which was produced by Syrian comedian Yasser Al-'Azmeh and was aired on Abu Dhabi TV on October 2, 2005
Tamara: 'Arwa, come, my dear. I am waiting for you.
'Arwa: The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land... The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land... The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land... The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land... The land speaks Arabic and says "Allah, dawn is for the one who prays." The land speaks Arabic... Good morning, Tamara.
Tamara: Good morning. What are you looking for, my dear?
'Arwa: For the razor blades I bought yesterday.
Tamara: There are razor blades in the bathroom.
'Arwa: There were razor blades in the bathroom, but I broke them and threw them into the garbage.
Tamara: Why did you throw them out? Don't they shave well?
'Arwa: Quite the opposite, these were three razor blades in one. They give you the smoothest shave and a lingering sense of freshness. But I chucked them out because they were made in America.
Tamara: And what did you bring instead?
'Arwa: I brought Belgian razor blades, because you should know, Tamara, that Belgium's positions on the Arab cause were very honorable. The least we can do is to shave with Belgian razor blades. The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land... Found them! I will shave my beard with these Belgian razor-blades.
Tamara: My darling, let me congratulate you in advance for this shave.
'Arwa: My dear, may you be blessed by Allah. What are you drinking?
Tamara: What could I possibly be drinking? Coffee.
'Arwa: What coffee?
Tamara: American coffee, "Nescafe".
'Arwa: May Allah forgive you for this, Tamara. Haven't I told you that you must boycott American products?
Tamara: You told me, but we've had this package for ages.
'Arwa: Even so. Throw it into the garbage at once, and go back to Turkish coffee.
Tamara: But I am not used to Turkish coffee.
'Arwa: But Tamara dear, there is no such thing as "not used to." You must get used to it. Drink anything – juice, milk... "Nada" milk, for instance.
Tamara: OK, I will just finish this cup and then move to Turkish coffee.
'Arwa: No, no. You won't drink even a sip from this cup. How wonderful! That's all we need – to drink American coffee. Just great!
Tamara: My cup of coffee will destabilize the American economy?
'Arwa: Of course it won't have an effect by itself. But one cup and another cup all add up... And if the coffee plants in America are not closed and their owners won't sit around twiddling their thumbs – my name isn't 'Arwa al-Asil. Mark my words... The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land...
'Arwa: Tamara!
Tamara: What happened? What's all the shouting about?
'Arwa: Who brought this toothpaste?
Tamara: Your daughter, Shaza.
'Arwa: And your daughter Shaza, may she be blessed, must brush her teeth with American toothpaste?
Tamara: I told her that, but she said that she is used to it.
'Arwa: Stop saying "we're used to it." Have you fallen in love with this term? You have to follow the list I gave you to the letter. I don't want anyone to deviate from it even a bit. Both you and your daughter should listen. What's wrong with locally-made toothpaste? It's no good, all of a sudden?
Tamara: I told Shaza, but she said that local toothpaste doesn't smell nice.
'Arwa: Doesn't smell nice? So America smells better? At least this toothpaste smells of the homeland, of the earth of this homeland, of the grass of the homeland, of the sweat of the homeland's laborers. Come, so you and your daughter will be pleased.
['Arwa squeezes out all the toothpaste]
Tamara: You cut yourself?
'Arwa: Yes, Tamara. My beard is not used to this kind of razor blade. They cut you to shreds and pluck out your hairs one by one. My face has become like the skin of a slaughtered chicken.
Tamara: You see? The other blades were better. If you had shaved with them, you wouldn't have been cut.
'Arwa: So what if I'm injured? This is not a problem. What, I bled a little? What are a few drops of blood compared to the rivers of blood flowing in beloved Palestine, in the West Bank, in Jenin and in Bethlehem?
Nasrine: Good morning, sir.
'Arwa: Good morning. Did anyone look for me?
Nasrine: No, nobody.
'Arwa: Please prepare me a cup of coffee, but Arab or Turkish coffee, there's no problem with that.
Nasrine: No problem, sir.
'Arwa: Thank you. I smell a hostile smell, Nasrine.
Nasrine: What do you mean, sir?
'Arwa: Seriously, I smell American perfume.
Nasrine: American perfume?
'Arwa: Give me the bottle of perfume you're using, if you don't mind.
Nasrine: There you go, sir.
'Arwa: Shame on you, Nasrine! The last thing I expected from you was to wear American perfume on your Arab body! Don't you watch TV? Don't you see the atrocities against our people in the West Bank, the Gaza Strip, and the Palestinian Authority? Don't you see the complete American bias in favor of our enemies? Don't you know that the perfume you spray on your body can turn into bullets sprayed into the bodies of the innocent? Do you know this or not?
Nasrine: Believe me, sir, I didn't think about it. I'm very sorry, sir. The truth is I received it as a present, otherwise I wouldn't have used it.
'Arwa: Even so, you shouldn't be using it. You should thrown it into the garbage bin, because if we won't use American perfumes, deodorants and makeup, the makeup plants in America will surely shut down, and then American will lose billions of dollars. True or not?
Nasrine: Of course, sir.
'Arwa: Get back to work. It's best if you don't receive any dubious presents from anyone.
Nasrine: OK, sir.
'Arwa: Proudly I walk, with my head held high, in my hand an olive branch, and on my shoulder a coffin. And I am walking and walking...
Nasrine: Did he have to give all that lecture just because of a little perfume?
Employee: Mr. 'Urwa, the report is complete.
'Arwa: What report?
Employee: The report you asked for about improving the production line.
'Arwa: Forget about the production line, we'll get to that later. Where did you get the T-Shirt you're wearing?
Employee: From a second-hand place.
'Arwa: Why did you but your clothes there?
Employee: Because it's cheaper. I don't have enough money to buy new things. That's how it is.
'Arwa: Haven't you noticed the American flag painted on that T-shirt?
Employee: Honestly, I hadn't noticed.
'Arwa: You have to notice these things, brother. In the great historical crossroads at which our nation finds itself, you must notice everything. Aren't you ashamed to wear an American shirt, while the Arab street, from the Atlantic Ocean to the Gulf, is rising against American policy? Don't you come from the street? Answer me, don't you come from the street?
Employee: Yes, sir, all my life I've been on the street.
'Arwa: Take off your shirt. You must atone for you sins, whatever the results may be.
Employee: You want me to take it off right now?
'Arwa: Of course, if not now, when?
Employee: So what will I wear?
'Arwa: What do I care, that's your problem, not mine. Come on, take it off.
'Arwa: Nasrine, summon all the workers to an urgent meeting at the central square. For what? In order to express our rage and rejection of the monopolistic policy. Call the news bureau too, so that the event will be covered by the media. Quickly, if you don't mind. Yes, I want everything to be ready in an hour at the most. Goodbye.
[Employees chant at demonstration]: Death to the enemies of peace. Death to the enemies of peace! Long live locally-made products! Long live locally-made products!
'Arwa: The land speaks Arabic, the land, the land...
'Arwa: Tamara! Tamara!
Tamara: Hello 'Arwa, what's all the excitement?
'Arwa: Good news, Tamara.
Tamara: What's up?
'Arwa: We got the visa.
Tamara: What visa?
'Arwa: The visa to America.
Tamara: I don't understand, 'Arwa.
'Arwa: It's simple. I'll explain. The truth is I didn't tell you right from the start in order to surprise you. Before 9/11, that is, about eight months ago, I submitted documents to the American embassy requesting a visa. Now they've called to tell me that the request was approved. They gave me a visa. Thousands of congratulations, my dear. Believe me, the world isn't large enough to contain my happiness.
Tamara: But I didn't ask you for a visa to America. I never thought of traveling to America, neither before nor after 9/11. What would I do there?
'Arwa: No, Tamara, don't get me wrong. You must give birth in America.
Tamara: Why must I give birth in America?
'Arwa: Why? Any baby born there automatically gets American citizenship.
Tamara: So what if he receives American citizenship?
'Arwa: Look at this silly woman... Nobody who is offered American citizenship would say "no," Tamara. Because it's a boy, we will call him, instead of Walid, William.
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