On Iranian TV: Puppets of Bush, Blair, Rice, Rumsfeld, and Schwarzenegger in Spitting Image/DC Follies-Style Satire

The following are excerpts from an Iranian TV production titled "13 Dead End St." styled after the satirical Spitting Image and DC Follies series. The show aired on Iranian Channel 2 on October 27, 2006.

The puppets presented are: Condoleezza Rice, George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Tony Blair.

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George Bush: "Brother, I swear on your life that I'm feeling really down."

Tony Blair: "What's bugging you, Georgie?"

George Bush: "Let's pick some country, and beat the shit out of it."

Tony Blair: "Which country, for example?"

George Bush: "I don't know. It must be a place that we can take on – not like some places where we tried, but got stuck."

Tony Blair: "What places?"

George Bush: "I don't want you to name names. It will make me feel bad."

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Boss, can I mention one of them? Iran."

George Bush: "Oh, I hope you choke, I hope you catch a disease. I hope you suffer some incurable pain. I hope you get the measles. I hope you get cholera, diphtheria, tetanus..."

[...]

Tony Blair: "Georgie?"

George Bush: "What is it?"

Tony Blair: "I'm embarrassed to say... I must tell your excellency that I must slowly pack my bags, and, in the words of the poet, I must sing my farewell serenade."

George Bush: "You should talk more like me, so I can understand what you're saying."

Tony Blair: "I am saying that... I don't want to bother you anymore."

George Bush: "Again, I didn't get what you're saying."

Tony Blair: "I won't be able to accompany you any longer. I am unable to have the honor of your company anymore."

George Bush: "Calm down a minute... Condoleezza! Condoleezza! Condo! Condoleezza! Oh, may she drop dead. Condoleezza!"

Condoleezza Rice [waking up and yawning]: "Condoleezza will choke to death in two hours..."

George Bush: "The hell with you, what kind of language is that?"

Condoleezza Rice: "I just wanted to lay down and die."

George Bush: "I hope you go to sleep and never wake up. I hope a scorpion stings your bulging eyes, the hell with you. I hope a tarantula bites you in the neck. I hope a two-headed snake coils around you, so I can get rid of you."

Condoleezza Rice: "Oh, somebody stop him. Soon he'll have all the animals here."

Tony Blair: "Georgie dear, Auntie Leezza, please keep your cool. I'm talking to you about an important political matter."

George Bush: "Condoleezza, listen to what pretty boy over here has to say, then I'll explain some things to you."

Condoleezza Rice: "I'm listening. Go ahead..."

Tony Blair: "I told Georgie that I must slowly pack my bags, and, in the words of the poet, sing my farewell serenade."

Condoleezza Rice: "Do you mean you're leaving?"

Tony Blair: "At last – somebody understands."

Condoleezza Rice: "So you are ignoring our friendship, our pact, and everything?"

Tony Blair: "Something like that. But I give you my word that I will send you a postcard."

George Bush: "Excuse me, what's going on? What's going on?"

Tony Blair: "Georgie dear, you've finally got what I mean, right?"

George Bush: "Come here. Who do you think you're talking to, you mama's boy?"

Tony Blair: "I didn't say a thing."

George Bush: "I'm called Georgie hothead. Get it? The hell with you, who you looking at?"

[...]

Tony Blair: "Now, I have no choice but to sing my farewell serenade."

George Bush: "May you choke to death. You said it again."

Donald Rumsfeld: "My dear friend... Get a grip on yourself. I will solve the problem."

George Bush: "Drop dead. What do you mean by 'get a grip'?

Donald Rumsfeld: "Oh dear. Somebody talk to him in his own language."

Condoleezza Rice: "Allow me, I will set things straight. Georgie dear, look at me. Pay close attention. Rummy says be patient!!!!!"

George Bush: "Yes, I got it. But for how loooooooooong?"

Tony Blair: "Look, Georgie, dear, I swear on the life of my Euan that I have no other choice."

George Bush: "Who is UN? You must be swearing on the life of our servant."

Tony Blair: "Idiot, it's the name of my son. It's got nothing to do with your servant."

George Bush: "I thought you were swearing on the life of the United Nations."

Tony Blair: "No, I was not."

Donald Rumsfeld: "No, Georgie dear. Blairie has a son, who's also called Euan."

George Bush: "Not the one who was tried for alcoholism some time ago?"

Tony Blair: "I beg your pardon, but if you are making such snide remarks, may you go to hell. It has probably slipped your mind that when you were young, you hit rock bottom with your alcoholism, you idiot. You poor guy, every morning they would scoop you up off the streets with a dustpan."

George Bush: "Now I'm really gonna beat you up."

[...]

Tony Blair: "Look, Rummy dear, all the stink about what I, the party, and the guys did has come out now. It's bad. Real bad. Everybody, large and small, is bugging me. Public opinion is really pressuring me."

George Bush: "Excuse me, what is public opinion? If it's a terrorist, let's ship him off to Guantanamo, there they will take good care of him."

Tony Blair: "Your problem is that your brain is even smaller than a piece of seaweed. You don't get it."

George Bush: "Look, brother, you're my friend. I care about you. If you go, I will be all alone..."

Tony Blair: "There's no other choice, Georgie dear. I must say 'bye bye' to the job of British prime minister."

[...]

George Bush: "Blairie?"

Tony Blair: "Yes, dear?"

George Bush: "I'd like to curse you a little."

Tony Blair: "Why?"

George Bush: "To make me feel a little better, to get some relief."

Tony Blair: "Well, don't make them too rude, please."

George Bush: "Okay."

Tony Blair: "I ask you to curse me only when we are alone, and there is nobody around."

George Bush: "You dishonorable coward."

Tony Blair: "You were supposed to curse me, but you are telling the truth."

George Bush: "Be patient, my dear."

Tony Blair: "Go ahead."

George Bush: "I hope you break your arm, you backstabber. May you get diphtheria. May they put you on a board and wash your corpse. May you get tetanus, measles, throat cancer, and polio. May your heart valve expand. May you get anthrax."

Tony Blair: "Georgie dear, have you got it out of your system?"

George Bush: "Yes, more or less."

Tony Blair: "Look, the problem won't be solved by cursing. If I tell you I have to pack my bags, there is no other alternative."

George Bush: "You are always such a fair-weather friend. I swear on your life that I was just reminded of what happened in Baghdad. The Australians left. The Italians left. I was counting on you, but you too kicked everything to hell and left."

Tony Blair: "But I am sure you are a match for Iraq, and for everybody in the Middle East, all by yourself."

George Bush: "Really? Am I that strong?"

Tony Blair: "Yes, I swear on your life."

George Bush: "No."

Tony Blair: "Sure. I swear on your life."

George Bush: "Okay. I'm beginning to start liking myself a little."

[...]

Tony Blair: "Is everything okay?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "No, Blairie, I'm a total mess."

Tony Blair: "Why, Arnoldie?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger:" Nobody listens to me. There isn't even a place where we could blow up a few missiles."

Tony Blair: "Don't worry, my dear. As long as George and I are around, and enjoy the great patronage of dear Israel, there will be wars, missiles, guns..."

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Really?"

Tony Blair: "Of course I'm right, my dear. Why should I lie?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Do you really want to go, Blairie?"

Tony Blair: "Don't ask, Arnie. Everybody has let me down."

[...]

Tony Blair: "Look how elegantly I am dressed. I'm daddy's pretty boy. If I'm not prime minister, what else can I do? Stand by the roadside and sell cigarettes?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "No, my dear."

Tony Blair: "What then?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "There are two options."

Tony Blair: "What are they?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I don't know."

[...]

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "Y'know what? Come, be an actor. You are made for the role of Sharon's partner."

Tony Blair: "You're completely out of it. Sharon is a vegetable now. Don't you know he's in a coma? Besides, there are so many ladies in Hollywood, why should I be Sharon's acting partner?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "This time there really are two options."

Tony Blair: "What?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "One is for your partner to be Ariel Sharon, and the other is for your partner to be Sharon Stone. The first Sharon is male, and the other Sharon is female."

Tony Blair: "Really?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "I swear on your life. But, like the boss says, there are a few conditions."

Tony Blair: "Great. That's what I wanted. What conditions?"

Arnold Schwarzenegger: "You have to get along with the friends of Zion, because [Hollywood] has been their private property for generations."

[...]

Arnold Schwarzenegger [singing]: "Even though we defend Israel like steel,