Russian TV Satire on Trump's ME Visit: Melania's Bottom for $280 Billion

According to a Russian TV satirical program on Trump's Middle East visit, the Saudi king experienced multiple orgasms when he shook hands with Melania and was prepared to offer $280 billion to buy her. In Israel, Trump's visit to the Western Wall was a ploy to get orders from Putin, and Melania was angry that her husband dragged her away from the "generous Arabs" to the "greedy Jews." The program aired on the NTV federal broadcasting channel on May 27.

 

Announcer: "What else happened during Trump's Middle East trip? Watch this story, by our random correspondent Irada Zminalova."

 

Reporter: "This was a difficult day. Nobody showed up with such an effect in the Arab Kingdom as Trump's bodyguard."

 

Bodyguard: "Hey, guys, where's the ramp? I've got Trump in here."

 

Reporter: "But the Arabs were not worried about a ramp – they had to fix the carpet."

 

Arab workers: "Trump, Shvump – our carpet is broken."

 

Reporter: "Trump decided not to play Superman and patiently waited for the ramp, quietly arguing with Melania, who didn't want to wear a niqab. They agreed on a chastity belt. When Melania got out of the plane, she was – by local standards – not merely nude, but with her skin peeled off."

 

Trump: "She could have at least put a handkerchief on her head…"

 

Melania: "Perhaps you'd prefer to put a gag on my mouth?"

 

Reporter: "Trump did like the idea of a gag. He decided to try it out on the way back. At that moment, the Arab king was experiencing multiple orgasms – for the first time in the history of the kingdom, he was touching a nude female stranger."

 

King Salman: "Sell me your wife. I'll give you whatever you want for her."

 

Trump: "We'll reach a deal."

 

King Salman: "I'll give you 280 billion dollars."

 

Trump: "Why not 300?"

 

King Salman: "C'mon, she's a hand-me-down."

 

Reporter: "While Trump was negotiating, Melania was seated alongside the king – to get used to the 'preferred wife' role. Unexpectedly, the insidious king took a piece of paper from Trump's pocket, and blew his nose with it. By doing so, he demonstrated the highest level of Arab respect. After receiving a medal, Trump curtsied to the king. Later, his press service explained that the president had not bowed before anyone, but had just farted. Then there was dancing, which made it clear that alcohol is not really so forbidden for the Arabs. After the dancing, they carried out the tradition of dividing the world, by putting their hands on the globe ball."

 

Melania: "I call upon you, Spirit of Silicone! Spirit of Silicone, do you hear me?"

 

Reporter: "Actually, Trump didn't like holding the king's balls so much. The departure was devoid of sorrow. The Saudis were doing their best to memorize the shape of Melania's bottom, beautifully contoured by the wind. It's good that she's leaving. No shari'a can withstand such a bottom. At the same time, the orchestra in Israel was trying to play the U.S. anthem, but the only thing that came out was Hava Nagila. The Netanyahu couple was ceremoniously cleaning the dandruff.

 

Sara Netanyahu: "Benny, is he coming with his wife?"

 

Benjamin Netanyahu: "I hope so."

 

Sara Netanyahu: "Lose your hopes, you jerk!"

 

Reporter: "Trump was aware that about a dozen handshakes and selfies separated him from his goal. He just wanted it to be over as soon as possible."

 

Trump: "Do you know that I've just sold the Saudis weapons for 280 billion dollars?"

 

Benjamin Netanyahu: "You don't say! They hate us."

 

Trump: "Chill out, everybody hates you."

 

Reporter: "Melania was angry because she wasn't left behind with the generous Arabs, and instead, she was dragged to the greedy Jews."

 

Trump: "Give me your hand."

 

Melania: "F*** off, you're cheating on me."

 

Trump: "That's strange. It didn't stop you before."

 

Reporter: "The Jews were in no hurry to feed the Trumps – let the Arab food be digested first."

 

Benjamin Netanyahu: "As a wise Jew, d'Artagnan used to say: 'One for all, and all for one.'"

 

Reporter: "Trump asked to visit the Western Wall. What the Jews did not know was that the Wall was the real goal behind this long Middle Eastern journey. There, at the Wall, he found the familiar sign 'Vova [Putin] was here,' and he pushed in the note with his own wishes. His original note had said: 'Good health to the Russian hackers,' but that note had been used by the Arab king to wipe his nose. So Trump said simply, without further ado: 'Going to NATO summit. Any orders?' The Wall responded with another note, which Trump concealed in his pocket. And that was just about it."

 

Trump: "You didn't really tell me in the end – is it, like, completely cut off?"

 

Benjamin Netanyahu: "No, it's called circumcision. It's just a piece of skin…"

 

Reporter: "Trump was leaving in a good mood, although he had slight feeling of having been f***ed over. This meant that the Middle East trip had gone okay. The main thing was that thanks to this journey, he came up with his first words of presidential wisdom: 'Never put on the same fridge tourist magnets of the Jews and the Arabs, because the food inside will rot for sure.' This is Irada Zminalova, for Pilorama with love."