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Following are excerpts from a PA TV satire lampooning Hamas PM Ismail Haniya. The program aired on August 27, 2009.
Title: "The schedule of the dismissed [Hamas] government"
Two men kneel in prayer in a Gaza mosque. In come Bakr, Hamas PM Dahiya's bodyguard.
Bakr: Get up, guys, get up. Get up for brother Dahiya ["Catastrophe"].
Dahiya (parody on Hamas PM Ismail Haniya: Assalam Allaykum. I couldn't sleep because of the liver I had last night. It made me feel really full.
Bakr: Feel better, brother Dahiya.
Dahiya: Line up, brothers. Line up so God will reward you.
Dahiya leads prayers
Dahiya: Allah Akbar.
[...]
Assalam Allaykum, and the mercy of Allah upon you. Assalam Allaykum, and the mercy of Allah upon you. May Allah accept our prayers, brothers.
One of the praying men: May we pray in Mecca, brother Dahiya.
Dahiya: Make way, guys. Make way.
Cell phone rings and Bakr answers
Bakr: Hello, yes. Wait a minute.
Bakr (talking to Dahiya): Brother Dahiya, it's your wife, Umm Al-Nur. Would you like to talk to her, or should I make up some excuse?
Dahiya: No, give it to me.
Dahiya (to his wife on the phone): Hello. Allaykum Assalam. Where am I supposed to get you a persimmon this early in the morning?! There are no persimmons.
Speaking to Bakr: Did any persimmons come through the tunnels yesterday?
Bakr: No persimmon.
Dahiya (to his wife on the phone): As far as I know, some grapefruits came through yesterday.
Bakr: Yes, a lot.
Dahiya: There are dates as well... Where can I get you a persimmon this early in the morning? Okay, enough.
Turning to Bakr: Can we work something out?
Bakr: We have grapefruit.
Dahiya (to his wife on the phone): Maybe the guys in the Executive Force caught someone bringing in persimmons. Okay, don't worry. Tell me...
Talking to Bakr: Turn around...
Talking to his wife on the phone: I didn't mean you. Tell me, am I with you or with Umm Wisam tonight?
Bakr: With Umm Wisam.
Dahiya, talking to Bakr: She can hear you, man.
To wife on the phone: So I am with you the day after tomorrow. Let me tell you, the liver with onion you made me yesterday – I swear I could hardly pray today. It was delicious. Make some more liver with onion on the said the day after tomorrow. Marinate the shrimp [an aphrodisiac]. Don't forget the shrimp. Okay, I will see you the day after tomorrow. Stop it, woman, or I will leave the government and come running to you. Stop it. That's enough. Goodbye.
Bakr: Brother Dahiya, [your wife] Umm 'Issam called asking about you. I told her you were busy, but I didn't tell you were talking to Umm Al-Nur. I told her you were at 'Uzbat Abd Rabbo, which was bombed, and that you were laying tiles in order to identify with the people.
Dahiya: Haven't I told you 100 times not to lie? "He who lies does not belong among us."
Bakr: Brother Dahiya, I was simply afraid that your wives would quarrel. You know how jealous women can get.
Dahiya That's none of your business.
Bakr: If Umm Othman calls, what should I tell her?
Dahiya: If she calls, tell her Dahiya is at 'Uzbat Abd Rabbo, laying ceramic tiles to identify with the people.
Bakr: Make way. Make way.
Title: "Morning schedule of the dismissed [Hamas] government – 1 hour and 45 minutes before the noon prayer."
Fayhaa, Dahiya's secretary, knocks on Dahiya's office door
Dahiya: Who is it?
Fayhaa, Dahiya's secretary: Assalam Allaykum, brother Dahiya. It's me, the secretary.
Dahiya: Just a minute, sister Fayhaa. I am coming. Assalam Allaykum, sister Fayhaa.
Fayhaa: Allaykum Assalam.
Dahiya: What is the matter?
Fayhaa: The brothers from Shalah's office called, asking for a loan of five million.
Dahiya: Whenever Shalah hears that we've brought 30 or 40 million through the tunnels, his mouth waters, and he asks for a loan. Where will I get it for him? He shouldn't think that we owe him anything just because he took us to the Doha Summit. It wasn't even successful. Tell him we don't have any money. Let him call the office of Emir Sh'alal [parody on Hamas leader Khaled Mash'al] in Syria...
Fayhaa: Brother Dahiya, brother Abu 'Ubeida called.
Dahiya: What does he want?
Fayhaa: He said that the four people they shot yesterday turned out to be from the DFLP, and not from the Fatah. He wants to know what to do.
Dahiya: They are making us look bad.
Fayhaa: Yes.
Dahiya: Tell him to announce that they are martyrs, and distribute posters of them in the streets.
Bakr: Yes, wise decision.
Dahiya: Sister Fayhaa.
Fayhaa: Yes, brother Dahiya.
Dahiya, talking to Bakr: Go away.
Talking to Fayhaa: I have brought you a cassette as a gift. I hope you accept it. On side A there are religious lessons by brother Khaled 'Omar, and on side B, "religious" songs by brother Tamer Hosny [an Egyptian pop singer]. There is a song by brother Tamer that I like a lot. It goes: "Whenever I See You, I Want to... Ahhh." It's a very nice song.
Fayhaa: May God bless you, brother Dahiya.
Dahiya: Tell me...
Fayhaa: What? May God bless you...
Fayhaa leaves the office.
Dahiya: Sister Fayhaa...
Bakr: Brother Dahiya, in my opinion, brother Tamer Hosny's songs are not bad, but between you and me, the songs of [Iraqi pop singer] brother Kazem Al-Saher have more depth, and [Lebanese pop singer] brother Fadhl Shaker is better than both of them. They say he is of Palestinian origin. We should support him, or bring him over and hold a festival for him.
Dahiya: Brother Bakr, if things were better, we would bring [Lebanese pop singer] sister Elissa. I swear, if we brought sister Elissa, she would put on a good performance. The only problem is brother Sha’lal. He would never agree. He says that after the hudna, we can have festivals. We want to sign an 80-year hudna. Brother Sha'lal is discussing this with the Turks. Hopefully he will succeed.
Bakr: What do you think of [Egyptian pop singer] sister Sherine? She's not bad, and she's not far away.
Dahiya: Sherine is not bad. I swear, in 15 minutes Sherine could here through the tunnels. By God, she's not bad at all. Enough...
Fayhaa: Brother Dahiya.
Dahiya, talking to Bakr: Yes, go away.
Fayhaa: Assalam Allaykum.
Dahiya: Allaykum Assalam, sister Fayhaa. What is it?
Fayhaa: The brothers from the Abu Rish Brigades called. They said that one of their little boys threw stones at pigeons. The brothers from the Executive Force arrested him, because they thought he was throwing stones at our [Israeli] brothers in Erez. What should we do?
Dahiya: I don't know... Tell them I will call brother Abu Mus'ab in the Executive Force, and we might be able to get him released.
Fayhaa: May God bless you, brother Dahiya. Maybe I will call the office of brother Sha’lal, and they will call the brothers in Tehran who will authorize the release of the brother from the Abu Rish Brigades.
Dahiya: Between you and me, if you call the office of brother Sha’lal, and he calls the Revolutionary Guards in Tehran, the guy will be released within an hour. It's better. Sister Fayhaa...
Talking to Bakr: Move away a little.
Talking to Fayhaa: Tell me, have you listened to brother Tamer's song: "Whenever I See You, I Want to... Ahhhh"?
Fayhaa: Not yet. The truth is I didn't get to it. I was listening to the cassette of brother Michael.
Dahiya: May you rest in peace, brother Jackson.
Bakr: May he rest in peace.
Dahiya: Is there anything you want?
Fayhaa: I want you to be well, brother Dahiya. Brother Dahiya...
Dahiya: Yes?
Fayhaa: May God give you a prosperous life.
Dahiya: Thank you.
Talking to Bakr: Brother Bakr...
Bakr: Sister Fayhaa...
Fayhaa: Brother Dahiya, with your permission...
Bakr: Sister Fayhaa...
Dahiya: I have a headache.
Bakr: Make way. Make way.
Title: "The schedule of the dismissed [Hamas] government"
Dahiya is setting out his meal
Bakr: Here you are. Bon appetite.
Dahiya: In the name of Allah the Compassionate, the Merciful. Have some.
Bakr: Bon appetite.
Dahiya: Eat...
Bakr: Keep it...
Dahiya: Eat...
Bakr: God bless you.
Dahiya: Eat. This is from me. Have some more.
Bakr: Keep it.
Dahiya: Eat another one.
Bakr: That's enough.
Dahiya: I swear I will divorce all four wives if you don't eat it.
Desk phone rings
Bakr: Hello, yes. Just one minute.
To Dahiya: It's Kookoo.
Dahiya: Which Kookoo? Farouq [Qaddumi]?
Bakr: Yes, do you want to talk to him, or shall I tell him that you are not here?
Dahiya: What does that washout want from me? Hand him over.
Talking to Farouq on the phone: Hello Farouq. Allaykum Assalam. Where are you, man? The Jordanians deported you? Don't worry. Go to the Gulf. If things get tough in the Gulf, I will talk on your behalf to the office of brother Sha'lal in Syria. Maybe they will be able to work something out. Farouq, if you had remained with Abu Ammar [Yasser Arafat], with whom you had good ties, he would have brought you to the West Bank or Gaza. It's a good thing they didn't bring you to Gaza. We would have shot you.
Yes, Farouq. You are number one in Fatah, man. You are the spiritual father of Fatah. You are like a tree standing tall. Farouq, I hold you in great esteem. Allah willing, when we conquer the West Bank, we will bring you with us.
Tell me, you looked like you had downed a bottle of "onion juice" [i.e. alcohol] when you exposed the document [about Mahmoud Abbas assassinating Yasser Arafat]. This document has been on the Internet for a whole year. Only now you remembered it? It's an old one. Tell me, we got a container of "onion juice" through the tunnel. As you know, we don't consume onion. We can give it to you. Enough, man. Place your trust in Allah.
They stopped paying your salary? That Dhayyaf [PA President Salam Fayyadh] is serious. Don't cry, man. Farouq, we'll organize a salary for you. Stop it, man. You're breaking my heart. Farouq, stop crying. Farouq... You're breaking my heart... Farouq.
You break my heart, Farouq.
Title: "The schedule of the dismissed [Hamas] government between the noon prayer and the afternoon prayer."
Dahiya and Bakr take a nap
Title: "Between the sunset prayer and the evening prayer."
Dahiya and Bakr watch the launching of a missile
Dahiya: Bakr, what group are they from?
Bakr: They look like Jihad members to me.
Dahiya: I swear, they look as if they are from the Abu Ali Mustafa Brigades.
Bakr: Who knows, they might be from Ramallah.
Dahiya: Abu Bakr, that missile looks like it is aimed at Haifa, not Sderot.
Shoot, Bakr, shoot.
Bakr: I don't know how.
Bakr and Dahiya: Stop, stop...
Dahiya: Put it out.
Title: "The schedule of the dismissed [Hamas] government between the evening prayer and the pre-dawn prayer."
Dahiya: I swear, liver with shrimp makes you keep going like a camel in a race.
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