PA TV Satire Ridicules Mahmoud Abbas and Other Fatah Leaders

Following are excerpts from a Palestinian Authority TV satire, ridiculing PA President Mahmous Abbas and the Fatah leadership. The satire aired on September 5, 2009.

Title: “Fatah’s Seventh Convention.”

“Fatah – Palestinian National Liberation Movement” “The Seventh Convention – 2509, Yasmin Neighborhood – Nablus”

At the convention

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: In the name of Allah the Compassionate, the Merciful, we are opening Fatah’s seventh convention – Fatah of the revolution, Fatah of the people... We have been true to our pledge. At the Fatah convention in Bethlehem 500 years ago, my forefather Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim I [parody of Al-Tayyeb Abd Al-Rahim] said that we would conduct elections every four years. We’ve been a little late, but it’s no big deal. What is 500 years in an entire history? My forefather, Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim I, said at the time, as far as I recall: “Fatah was and will continue to be the entire people.” Fatah – our revolution is victorious. Fatah – our revolution is victorious.

PA President: Enough. Assalam Allaykum, and Allah’s mercy upon you. Some people said that the Fatah convention would not be successful. We tell the people who said that the convention would not be successful that we have proven the opposite in Bethlehem. Brother Sakran [“drunk”]... Shakran Abu Al-Einein XVI [parody on Sultan Abu Al-Einen] came from Bethlehem, Abu Sahel came from Syria, and some brothers came from Jordan... Brother Shukran Abu Al-Einein XVI said to me: “Mr. President, I couldn’t believe the things I have seen here. You have icecream parlors and automotive electricity workshops. Normal life.” We say to all the people...

If you keep passing me notes, we will be here till morning... Abu Al-Wallaa XV [parody on Abu ‘Alaa] asks for the song “Book of My Life.” Dahlan XVI is laughing.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV (sings): Abu Mazen, march on. Abu Mazen...

??: Enough. He’s laughing. Enough, Dahlan. Are you going to laugh till morning? We should act with dignity. It’s a good think I didn’t tell him the joke about the rooster.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV (sings): Abu Mazen, march on. Abu Mazen...

PM: Enough with that.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV (sings): My homeland, my homeland...

PA President : Stop it. Let me finish.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: Yes, Mr. President.>

PA President : Brothers, 500 years ago, we pledged that we would hold another convention in four years. We are a little late. What are 5 years in an entire history, an entire civilization? Time flies. We are still true to our pledge. Today, however, the situation is different. Brothers, we don’t want to return to the story of the Bethlehem Convention 500 years ago. I implore you to vote for brother Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV this time, because if you don’t, we will have to conduct re-elections, and we will all have to stay here for 10 days. We all have children, and some of us are married. The truth is I must go, because [French Foreign Minister Bernard] Kouchner is coming the day after tomorrow. Vote for him so we won’t have to get into this mess. We don’t want the presidential guard and secret service to cause trouble.

With regard to brother Abu Al-Wallaa – where is he? You can sit down. Abu Al-Wallaa XIV – let’s not make him relive the Bethlehem ordeal. I implore you to vote for him this time, just like his forefather, Abu Al-Wallaa I. Vote for him, or else I will have to give him a place on the Executive Committee. Either way... He’s like Superglue...

You should also vote for Dahlan XIII, because he is our link to the brothers in Gaza. Let me reiterate, brothers... Dahlan XIV, I see that you keep saying in interviews: “I had to endure things even mountains cannot endure.” What did you endure? A pack of cigarettes?

Nabil Amr is laughing. Enough, Nabil. Did you get me the budget for the TV channel?

Before I conclude, I would like to stress that with me, there is no such thing as shooting. If you want to shoot – not on my watch. With me, there are negotiations, negotiations, and more negotiations. If you want to shoot, do it far away. If anybody shoots on my watch – I will shoot him. We were shooting until they started shooting back at us. Anyone who shoots will be shot. Negotiations, negotiations, negotiations... Thank you very much.

In the president’s office

Fatiha Shihab XIII: Mr. President, the system we are using is called “Fatah-Water”... It’s not like way back in 2009, when there were computers. Now, in 2509, we have advanced technology. With this system, you utter the name of a candidate in order to know whether he was elected. If the system beeps, it means he was elected, and vice versa. The system also explains how the candidate was elected. Some people handed out phone cards, other promised steam irons to people coming from Syria, Lebanon, and Jordan, and some people handed out toothpaste – each according to his ability. Go ahead, Mr. President. Is there a particular name you’d like to check?

PA President: Let’s try Abu Al-Wallaa XIII.

Fatiha Shihab XIII: Mr. President, say “Abu Al-Wallaa XIII,” and we will wait for the system. It will either beep or not

PA President: Abu Al-Wallaa XIII.

Silence

PA President: Abu Al-Wallaa XIII.

Silence

PA President: Abu Al-Wallaa XIII.

Silence

Fatiha Shihab XIII: It didn’t beep. He failed.

PA President: Well, let’s check Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIII.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: With your permission, Mr. President – let’s drop it.

PA President: Let’s try.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: I’m not afraid to try, but let’s postpone it until after lunch.

Fatiha Shihab XIII: Mr. President, may I try Fatiha Shihab XIII?

PA President: No, we have enough of the female element in Fatah. Let’s try Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIII. Don’t be afraid.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: I am not afraid, Mr. President. Go ahead.

Fatiha Shihab XIII: Go ahead. Say the name.

PA President: Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIII.

Silence

PA President: Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIII.

Silence

Fatiha Shihab XIII: It didn’t beep.

PA President: Does that mean he failed?

Would it be a problem if I tried my own name?

Fatiha Shihab XIII: Let’s drop it, Mr. President.

PA President: In the recent polls, I got 63 percent.

Fatiha Shihab XIII: The recent polls we conducted by the same firm that conducted our polls when Hamas won the parliamentary elections. Go ahead, Mr. President. You want to try?

PA President: No, let’s leave it for after lunch.

At the convention

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: In the name of Allah the Compassionate, the Merciful. Fatah has proven that it embraces Palestinian democracy, and our convention has been successful, despite all the difficulties and conspiracies.

Our revolution is victorious, is victorious... It blows up tanks, tanks...

PA President: Enough.

He thinks he’s in a duet with [Lebanese singer] Nawal Al-Zoghbi. The convention was a success, and the brothers have succeeded despite everything that’s been said. We have been successful. I congratulate the guys. I congratulate Hussein [Al-Sheik] XV, Dahlan XII, and Abu Maher LIV. Congratulations. Congratulations, everybody.

In the Bethlehem Convention 500 years ago, the brothers from Gaza voted by means of text messages. Today, we thank the ministry of public works for digging a tunnel from Hebron to Gaza. It took 500 years to achieve this accomplishment. They used laser technology to dig the tunnel. We have managed to bring the 500 brothers from Gaza in one go. This is a great accomplishment for the Fatah movement. It’s not important what Hamas says, but what we do. I hope you had a good time in Bethlehem. You probably had all kinds of sweets. I mean, the Nablus Convention... People go back in time... How was the Knafeh, Abu Al-Wallaa? Was it delicious?

Fatiha Shihab XIII enters

Fatiha Shihab XIII (whispering to president): What is it, Mr. President?

PA President: Look for my [Israeli-issued] magnetic VIP pass. Maybe it’s in the car.

Fatiha Shihab XIII: What, you don’t have it on you? Maybe it’s at home, maybe in the hotel, maybe in the office...

PA President: Check at home.

Fatiha Shihab XIII: Should I call your wife?

PA President: Yes, call her.

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: What is the problem, Mr. President?

PA President: Have you seen my magnetic VIP pass?

Al-Mutanabi Abd Al-Halim XIV: No, Mr. President.

PA President (to convention participants): Brothers, please check if my magnetic VIP pass is under your chairs. Hussein Al-Sheik XIV, can the DCO issue a new magnetic pass within one day? Kouchner is coming to Ramallah, and I must get there. I must.